I rarely criticize my wife, but when I do, it’s spoken directly to her, in private, and with love.
I don’t speak negatively about my wife to other people. Not because she’s perfect (which is an impossible and unfair standard) but because she deserves a husband she can trust. To say anything about my wife that I wouldn’t say to her face, would be a betrayal of that trust.
I never want her to spend a single moment worrying about the way I talk about her when she’s not around.
A little louder
I RARELY CRITICIZE MY WIFE,
BUT WHEN I DO, IT’S SPOKEN DIRECTLY TO HER, IN PRIVATE, AND WITH LOVE.
I DON’T SPEAK NEGATIVELY
ABOUT MY WIFE TO OTHER PEOPLE. NOT BECAUSE SHE’S PERFECT (WHICH IS AN
IMPOSSIBLE AND UNFAIR STANDARD) BUT BECAUSE SHE DESERVES A HUSBAND SHE CAN
TRUST. TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY WIFE THAT I WOULDN’T SAY TO HER FACE, WOULD BE
A BETRAYAL OF THAT TRUST.
I NEVER WANT HER TO SPEND A
SINGLE MOMENT WORRYING ABOUT THE WAY I TALK ABOUT HER WHEN SHE’S NOT AROUND.
“I’m a female security guard at a truck gate. I’m basically the only female there and I have to deal with a lot of truckers. They all tend to call me things like “sweetheart”, “hon”, “babe”, but I’ve recently started responding with “no problem, sport”, “no problem, champ”. My question is, what else can I use?”
theres just something real special about the advice the brothers give in response to women asking about gross men, and personally i love it more than most things
“That’s…That’s not how Ouija boards work. And the apps are not a reliable indicator of activity because their shit is randomly generated.”
“Why are you ASKING the tiny mysterious child to come in and play? Are you fucking stupid?”
“Why is it white people? Why do these shows almost always feature random white middle-America fluffheads without the sense God gave a goose? Is it because they do dumb shit more often or because POC families are quicker to recognize spirit bullshit and move the hell out?“
“-blink- Lady, that is NOT the 91st Psalm.”
“Wait, so you saw random geometric symbols doodled in a closet and you automatically thought OMG SATANIC? What kind of ignorant jackass….”
“RECREATIONAL TAROT CARD READING DOES NOT RANDOMLY SUMMON SPIRITS, YOU USELESS CARDBOARD SUBMARINE!”
“Since when is divination the same as spirit-summoning? What is this bullshit? Read a goddamn book, people, holy crap.”
“No no no, you can’t just set herbs on fire and think that’s it. You have to put some oomph behind it and claim your space. Holy shit, if you can’t use the sage properly, put it the fuck down.”
“You moved into a house that the realtor was literally afraid to walk around in, did you think there was no REASON for that!?”
“Oh you ignored your wife and kids being terrified cause you’re skeptical of spirits, mister big tough man? How’d that work out for ya? Thrown down the stairs you say? Gee, that’s rough.”
“Why does NOBODY listen to their kids when they say they see weird shit!?”
-the second anybody mentions Zozo- “OH MY GOD. OH. MY. GOD. OH MY. GOD OH MY GOD. OHHHH MY GOD.”
“Ohhh yes, there was a witch who lived in the house once. Totally the cause of your haunting because we all know that the only thing witches do is sit around and summon evil spirits.
Much wicked. Very scare. Wow.”
“Yanno, witches aren’t automatically evil and hauntings can be nasty without being demonic. Your fundie financial backers are showing.”
“Listen, numb nuts, surfing the internet to find out what’s clomping around your house at night is kind of like going to WebMD to figure out why you have a stomachache. The answer you find is always going to be way more dire than what’s actually going on. Sheesh.”
“Oh my fuckin life….I need more wine.”
I think I need, “Much wicked. Very scare. Wow,” on a t-shirt.
I’ll get right on it. 😉
Me, watching Paranormal Survivor
That is exactly what I was watching when I wrote this list.
More fun facts about ancient Celtic marriage laws: There were no laws against interclass or interracial marriage, no laws against open homosexual relationships (although they weren’t considered ‘marriages’ since the definition of a marriage was ‘couple with child’), no requirement for women to take their husband’s names or give up their property, but comedians couldn’t get married
It’s Adam and Eve not Adam Sandler and Eve
I want to expound upon “comedians couldn’t get married” thing because it’s actually really interesting.
Satire was respected in Ancient Ireland. It was thought to have great power, enough to physically maim the subject one was making jokes about. Satirists could bring down kings with a witty enough insult. That was actually their original function. When the king didn’t do right by his people, a bard was supposed to compose a poem so scathing it would raise welts on the king’s skin to oust him (it was illegal for a “blemished” king to rule.) Unwarranted satire was considered a form of assault.
So what it boils down to is ancient Celts being like “These people are too dangerous to reproduce. DO NOT TRUST THEM WITH CHILDREN. EVER.”
theclumsiestninja 
