I want an afterlife fic where Henry VII just goes off on Henry VIII for spending all his money.
I want an afterlife fic where Henry VII goes off on Henry VIII for:
a) spending all his money b) treating the princess brought to England to legitimize the Tudor line in the eyes of the continental powers like a piece of shit c) tomcatting around d) not having the brains to realize that if you have dozens of mistresses but sire only one, perhaps two, bastards after twenty years, your failure to sire a healthy legitimate son on your wife might not be her fault e) being so weak and lazy that he had to cut people’s heads off to keep in power at a time when EVERYONE thinks God made him king on purpose, so it shouldn’t be so hard f) risking the damnation of his eternal soul g) cutting off women’s heads h) cutting off HIS WIVES’ heads i) cutting off John Fisher’s head – no, that would be his grandmother who would come back and excoriate him for that j) turning England into a weak backwater
BUT he did liberate England from a toxic and manipulating papacy….
OH MY GOD ASDTHQWTEQWTW
The Roman Catholic Church, even with all its 16th century corruption and venality, was a shining example of mercy and charity in comparison to Henry the goddamn VIII.
In 1509 when Henry took office he was the richest monarch in Christendom, perhaps the richest man in Europe. Had it been managed wisely Henry could have passed most of that on to his heir. Instead he:
1. Went to war with France, twice, for no other reason than to have the chance to say that he went to war with France. He “won” both times, if by “won” you mean spent inconceivable amounts of money to capture unimportant towns he had to give back later. Note that although he bragged about going to war he refused to expose himself to the enemy’s swords or musket balls.
2. Frittered away immense amounts of money on high living. Gold, silver, jewels, furs, velvets, silks, horses, gold plated everything, carpets, tapestries, even entire palaces: the list goes on and on and on and on.
3. Let his most powerful servants embezzle what they would as long as they did all the work of running the realm for him, because the only part of ruling he cared about was his own personal power.
4. Killed his most powerful servants when they became too powerful, then handed the reins to the next men to come up. Shockingly, this didn’t work the fourth time he tried it, and by the time he died the country was being administered by toadies and lickspittles.
5. Bankrupted the treasury then refilled it by plundering the monasteries, the only hope at the time of the poor, elderly, and disabled. Travellers of the time wrote of old and disabled people dying in hedgerows and ditches, and of desperate beggars lining the streets where none had been ten years earlier. One saw a mother and child frozen to death in a ditch. It wasn’t until Henry’s death that anything was done to help the indigent who couldn’t care for themselves.
6. Frittered away the wealth of England’s monasteries, a sum that should have kept the country in the black for generations, in **SEVEN FUCKING YEARS**. Ask how many palaces he built or renovated. Ask how many jewels he had imported from the Low Countries. Ask how many furs, how much gilt, how much *utter crap* he accumulated in those years.
7. And toxic? You want toxic? This is a man whose entire religion was “what have you done for me lately, God?” He had men and women butchered for daring to believe something that inconvenienced him. He didn’t leave the Church because he needed a son or fell in love with Anne or whatever juvenile just-so story you believe: he left the Church because to Henry, the world was meant to run as HE thought it should run and when it didn’t someone other than Henry was always, always to blame.
He resented the Pope’s power because he resented anyone but him having power. That’s why he sent Wolsey to his death, that’s why he let Cromwell fall, that’s in part why he killed Anne Boleyn, that’s why Fisher and More and Buckingham and every one of his victims died: because Henry was too lazy to rule, too weak to hold onto power without holding the axe over everyone’s necks, and too jealous to let anyone have even a pinch of the power he craved.
He didn’t crave sons; he craved control. He craved self-aggrandization. He craved subservience. And he didn’t give a shit who he murdered, starved, or humiliated to get it.
He was the most venal, most toxic, most manipulative, most abusive ruler in 16th century Europe. The Church was a fucking ray of sunshine in comparison.
Oh, and the Church of England? Was created not *by* or *for* Henry VIII but *in spite of* him.
Anyone else read this and go “oh no, America is being run by Henry the fucking VIII”?
uh, my hand slipped
I have been saying this for many, many months now.
theclumsiestninja 