jhameia:

stammsternenstaub:

Are you sure you know what you’re asking of me? Are you sure? Well, okay. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. This post is long and contains description of genital injury.

So as you’ll know, I worked three and a half long, hilarious years at an NHS sexual health and contraception clinic. I loved that job, and packed it in because the Tory cuts to the service meant running it became hideously untenably stressful, but that’s a story for another time. 

One of my duties at the clinic was to take phone calls. Patients liked me on the phone because I have a nice voice and I’m basically completely unflappable, and they felt happy to tell me things. A vital skill in the wang biz.

One day, a man called. This was not unusual.  “Hello,” he said. “I need to see one of your nurses about my, er, my chap.”

“Righty-oh sir,” I said, “are you experiencing any symptoms that you’re concerned about? It’s just a yes or no kind of question.”

“Well,” he said, and I instantly felt a dark and terrible energy pulsate down the phone.  “Well… sort of. But, uh, it’s not symptoms of anything, it’s just…”

I would come to regret what I said next. “Is everything all right, sir?”

“Well.”  There was a pause. I heard fidgeting.  “I got a yeast infection.”

Phew, easy peasy. Yeasties are easy to fix. I sounded reassuring and buoyant. “Well that’s nothing to worry about, sir – if you don’t want to get anything over the counter from the chemist, we can-”

“No, no, that’s not the problem. Listen -” he sounded serious. “Listen, I’ll just tell you what’s the matter, and you’ll see what I mean.”

This is where, whenever I tell this story, I like to ask the listener to play a little game with me. The game is “Where Would You Tap Out?”  I’d have already tapped out by going to the chemist and getting some Canestan.

“I didn’t want any chemicals on my chap, so I decided to go for a home remedy.  Internet said garlic was good for yeast infections, and I’ve got a lot of garlic, so I figured that’d be all right.”

I made sympathetic noises.  Home remedies for yeast infections are normal, and garlic is actually quite effective.  “Oh good,” I said.

“I wasn’t sure how much to use, but I figured, I have a lot of garlic usually, so I minced a whole bulb.”

The dark energy wafting down the phone intensified.

“I packed it all over my, you know, knob, made a poultice.  Packed it all over the head, like a hat.  But, uh, I wasn’t sure how to keep it on..”

I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to scare him off by sounding judgemental.

“..so I just duct taped it all on. Wrapped duct tape all round it.”

Still with us?  Tapped out yet?

“So er, that worked, kept it on nice and tight, and I left it on over night.”

Over night. All night with your cock mummified in garlic paste like some sort of fiendish chicken kiev.

“But, uh, when I took it off the next morning, well… garlic is…”

“Caustic,” I said, before I could stop myself. “Garlic is caustic.”

“Yeah! Yeah, it is!” he said, sounding cheerful that I, too, understood the Way of Garlic.  “So I unwrapped my dick and, well, it looked kind of like… melted.”

I sat, silent, on the phone. Already I’d missed 6 other calls, watching them sail by on the other line while this saga unfolded. 

“So I figured,” he continued, the terrible juggernaut barrelling unstoppably through this phallic disaster, “I should probably exfoliate it.”

“Exfoliate,” I echoed weakly.

“Yeah,” said this abject human disaster, misinterpreting my echolalic expression of horror as hearty encouragement.  “So I had a look around the kitchen -” he was in the kitchen for all this “- for anything I could use and got my brillo pad-”

For anyone not in the UK, that’s what we call one of these:

I must have betrayed myself and given a gasp of horror at that point, because he quickly reassured me – “No, no, no, it’s okay – it was a new one!” before going on to describe scrubbing the affected area to remove the alkaline chemical burn that he’d inflicted on his poor, blameless cock.

“So you want to come in because of… this?” I said, assuming he would want a new dick by this point.

“Oh no, no -” he said, jovial again. “No, it’s all fine – it just, my knob’s gone all… well, it kind of looks camo print now.  I was wondering if you could do anything about it looking camo print.”

No, sir. No, neither we nor anyone else can do anything about your camo print garlic cock mistake.

i’m both impressed and horrified by his continued cheerfulness in the situation

crime-she-typed:

jenniferrpovey:

remisstoreality:

seagodofmagic:

lmaodies:

gizkasparadise:

randomlyimagine:

werewolfau:

abbiehollowdays:

dynastylnoire:

lavendersucculents:

When you guys have visited potential apartments, what kind of questions did you ask besides the basics like what rent and utilities include?

Here are questions I didn’t ask but should have: what does the basement look like?

What measures are taken to secure the building ?

Are the walls thin?
Brief info of who lives in the building. Are they college kids? People that work through the day? Elderly? Is it a mix?
Where does the garbage go?

Can I pay rent bi-weekly?
What kind of fuses does the apartment use? (My fuse box is in the basement. If I blow a fuse I have to replace it myself. They screw until the box. All of which I didn’t know until it happend and I was sitting in the dark suddenly)

Who do I call for repairs? (If it’s a private rental)
Am I allowed to paint the walls?
Is there any additional storage?
Do you do regular pest control?

count the outlets, ask about recycling policies, ask if there’s a noise restriction (nothing loud after midnight, everything goes on the weekend, etc)

LAUNDRY FACILITIES
Definitely ask about security
Whether subletting is allowed (esp if you’re in college and might want to sublet for the summer)
If you have a car, whether there’s parking/how much it costs
What kind of heating/AC there is
Procedure/response time for any maintenance
How mail/packages are received/protected from theft (seriously people stealing your packages can be a huge problem)
What kind of verification of your salary will they want, and in what circumstances will they accept a guarantor instead?
Whether the apartment is furnished

Assuming you are in the middle of looking at/choosing between places:
When does the lease start? Are you going to give preference to people based on when they can move in?
Whether groups of a certain number of people get preference
Really anything about who they prioritize for applications, it can save you a lot of trouble in trying to apply to places you’ll never get into

not something for asking the realtors, necessarily, but important rights you should be aware of as a tenant:

when and for what reasons are your landlords allowed to enter your home? how much of a notice should they give you before entering?

can the landlord make modifications to your home or apartment without your approval? to what extent?

what are the options and conditions for breaking your lease early if there’s an emergency? (this is ESPECIALLY important for anyone moving to a new state/considerable distance where you are not able to visit the apartment/home before you rent – students get taken advantage of ALL THE TIME with this shit)

if your first or last month at the property is a partial stay (i.e. you move in on july 15th, and rent is typically due on the first) make sure you don’t pay the full first month’s rent before you know the area laws! in many states, you are only legally required to pay for the time you are occupying the property

is renter’s insurance necessary? many apartments want at least 30k coverage, which can run a couple hundred dollars extra per year

are the landlords/property management liable for crimes on the property? for example, if your car was broken into. if not GET RENTER’S INSURANCE

-ask if there’s any property upkeep you can do to get a bit off the rent (aka, can they take 100$ off the monthly rent if you maintain the lawns/garden, etc.) 

-ask if there’s been any consistent/frequent trouble with electricity/internet connectivity/cable if you have it

-what KIND of electricity? 

-what kind of heating (hot water/electric)

-how secure is the neighborhood (if you don’t know) 

-ANY PLUMBING ISSUES? check ALL the fucking taps, the showers, EVERYTHING WITH WATER to make sure it all works right. 

-ANY PLUMBING ISSUES? check ALL the fucking taps, the showers, EVERYTHING WITH WATER to make sure it all works right. 

I CANNOT SECOND THIS ENOUGH.

ALSO

– who last lived here? why did they leave?

– Do they charge an “amenities fee” (Around here you can’t avoid them at all now, but some places you might still be able to)

– Do they have a policy on rent increases? (Also check if there’s a legal limit to rent increases in the area).

– Are utilities paid in a separate check or with the rent?

– Are utilities metered or pro-rated (in older buildings it’s common to be charged by square footage and/or number of occupants, which can leave you subsidizing the people who turn the a/c down to 60 in the summer or the heat up to 80 in the winter – you may not be able to avoid this but it’s worth trying).

– Are there any switched circuits in the apartment. Buildings built in the late sixties through the early eighties often have switched circuits. If they do, then with the number of devices used these days you will probably have to have something important on the switched circuit – tape the switch in the on position! (Trust me).

– What are the rules on hanging pictures?

– Who is responsible for paying for and replacing bulbs in permanent fixtures? If it’s you and there’s a fixture with weird/unusual bulbs (globe style, chandelier style, etc) ask where you can buy the bulbs.

– What are the rules about pets? Do they have breed specific restrictions on dogs? Size restrictions on fish tanks? (Believe it or not that’s not uncommon).

This will be so useful once my lease is up thanks tumblr ☺️🙏🏾