I had to look up what ‘glass him’ was, and I was not disappointed.
GUYS.
Wait how did so many people not know what ‘glass him’ meant.
From some googling and wiki-surfing, it appears that the verb usage of ‘to glass [someone]’ isn’t actually common enough in the US to actually even show up on a Google search, and the Wikipedia page only mentions areas with ‘frequent glassings’ as including places like the UK, Australia, and New Zealand; hell, my US-derived spellchecker tells me ‘glassings’ is an incorrect word. The slang is apparently far from universal.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I thought glass him was some weird slang for clinking glasses as part of a toast
The Riddler hijacks the local TV airwaves and appears onscreen holding a comically long roll of paper. After dramatically clearing his throat, he proceeds to read from it.
“The following is a list of people who can suck it. Number One: The Joker. I don’t think I need to explain that one. Number Two: Cluemaster. Fuck you, you stole my bit, and I will be like a plague unto your house. Number Three: King Tut. You also stole my bit, but did it while killing people and got me arrested for murder. Also, I’m, like, 93% sure you’re a white guy and your costume is racist.
“Number Four: The Scarecrow. I know you ate my leftover Chinese, Jon, even though I wrote my name on it. I was saving that for lunch. I had to eat a goddamn peanut butter and jelly sandwich like a five-year-old. It was all you had in the hideout. For fuck’s sake, go shopping, not all of us can live like a bridge troll.
“Number Five: The Penguin. You- No, no, wait, wait… That one should be crossed out. He replaced that and apologized. Never mind, Oswald, you’re fine. Drinks at 7:00 tomorrow, right?
“Anyway, where was…? Ah, yes. Number Six: The Mad Hatter. You carded me and left me like that for six hours because I, and I quote, ‘would not stop talking about Mythbusters.’ Well, excuse me for trying to make intellectually stimulating conversation on a level you could understand. I suppose every time you prattle on about mome raths and borogoves it’s goddamn Shakespeare? Well… Well, it’s Carroll, but… Oh, you know what I mean!
“Number Seven: Catwoman. You left me hanging by one hand from a ledge five stories up and holding a twenty-pound bag of jewels and very pointy
objets d’art while you ‘distracted’ the Dark Knight. I know you were making out with him, Selina. You were gone for fifteen minutes. My shoulder almost dislocated. Very unprofessional.
“Number Eight: Kite Man.”
Here the Riddler pauses, lifting his narrowed gaze to glare at the camera, voice dropping to an ominous tone.
“You know what you did…”
His demeanor shifts quickly, and he’s back to reading from his list almost cheerfully.
“Number Nine! Th-”
He’s interrupted by a crashing noise in the background and looks over his shoulder just an instant before a deep voice angrily growls, “Riddler!”
“Oh, for the love of-” He turns to glare at the camera, speaking quickly. “Number Nine: Batman! Interrupting me while I’m on television making very important- Hm-mmph!”
He’s reduced to muffled curses as a black gloved hand covers his mouth and pulls him out of frame. The camera tilts, a cracking noise is heard, and the broadcast turns to static.
KITE MAN’S CRIMES WERE NUMEROUS AND TERRIBLE
If I were batman I’d give him like a five minute warning, because this actually sounds theraputic.
Batman: Riddler, you’ve hijacked the TV airwaves and you know that’s wrong but I think this is actually theraputic. So I’m giving you five minutes, and then I’m taking you to Arkham
Robin: Geez get a facebook account for this crap, hell if you wanna vent to millions of strangers just get youtube.
“RIDDLER YOU CAN’T JUST GO ON TV AND SCREAM AT PEOPLE
THAT’S WHAT YOUTUBE IS FOR”
Riddler takes this advice. He gets his own youtube channel called RiddleMe_Th15. It starts out as being purely therapeutic, a platform for publically calling out those who have annoyed him. Then someone leaves him a pathetically easy riddle to solve in the comments, and he spends his next segment ranting about it, and then posing a better one.
This starts a dialogue with a number of other youtube users who both attempt to answer his riddles and pose their own riddles in return.
Riddler has found his people, and his hit count is climbing.
Seriously, Riddler would KILL IT (metaphorically speaking) on YouTube. He just does those weird animated puzzle videos where he poses lengthy, overly complicated puzzles, game theories, and riddles, then gives away…fuck I don’t know…Amazon or iTunes cards to whoever gets them right.
“Riddle me this: How can I ensure there are more videos like this one? The answer, my little quest solvers, is simple: Like and subscribe, and consider donating to my Patreon! Which isn’t much of a Riddle, but seriously I’m down to eating crackers and ramen right now and YouTube keeps demonetizing my videos because I used to be a supervillain.”
Bringing this back because “YouTube keeps demonetizing my videos because I used to be a supervillain” has to be shared and because I have some followers who have not experienced The Riddler Post.
Seriously, if you ever need a good time, just read all the responses in the notes. This post still ranks as one of the best things I’ve ever done.
transcript (as much as i could decipher, bolded my favorite): michael: *sighs* brother: shut up up there! michael: shut up! brother: mom said shut up! michael: shut up! i’m making my Youtube video! shut up. brother: mom’s shows is on. michael: (to camera) hang on. (to brother) shut up, you’re going to fuck it up! don’t touch that. brother: listen, i’m going to drink this – michael: don’t touch that Capri Sun! that’s mine – brother no! michael: no that’s mine, i bought that. brother: no no, those are all gone this one’s different. michael: no, i bought that. respect the pouch! respect it! brother: you don’t even have money! michael: shut up! shut up. brother: go back to your room. michael: go downstairs. shut up. brother: shut up! michael: shut up. go downstairs. brother: her show’s on. michael: shut up! shut up!! fucking idiot. i’m gonna punch you in the face while you’re sleepin’! brother: fuck you. michael: (to camera) if you said that you skipped it, then you’re lying. brother: *ineligible yelling* michael: shut up! stop! brother: listen, you don’t even like- michael: i’ma – stop! brother: asshole. michael: shut up! i’m gonna delete your World of Warcraft character if you don’t shut up. brother: i’ll fucking tell mom. i’ll tell her about those magazines you have under your – michael: shut up! you better shut up before i make it worse. [something is thrown at michael] michael: god, go fucking- brother: there’s tissues for your fucking cry baby bullshit! michael: don’t throw stuff! you’re gonna break my camera! brother: shut up. it’s not even your camera, it’s mom’s. michael shut up. she said i could use it. shut up! brother: *ineligible yelling about a Capri Sun* michael: shut the fuck up. i’m gonna fucking break – (to camera) you’re going to see a video of me breaking his fucking skull open all over the concrete. brother: i know kung fu, asshole. michael: he doesn’t know kung fu. he doesn’t fucking know kung fu. brother: i do know kung fu! michael: he watched Kung Fu Panda five fucking times and he thinks he knows kung fu. brother: shut up! it’s fucking real. michael: it’s a stupid movie. brother: it’s fucking real. michael: (to camera) oh fucking – i fucking beat that bitch. (to brother) come here, (ineligible), you son of a bitch!! brother: give me the Capri Sun! give it to me! michael: stop! brother: why’d you take my Capri Sun?! michael: stop! give me my camera! nooo!
every time i see this, I reblog it. I laugh my ass of just reading the stuff they say. RESPECT THE POUCH!
shut up its fucking real
Here is the video it’s from, which has a few more gems in it xx
Can you even imagine being the poor alien sod responsible for auditing an earthling spaceship’s spending allowance? Like:
“I see, and why do you require many tubes of white plant flavoured paste?”
“Oh well, if we don’t rub that on our teeth twice daily the bacteria living in my mouth will begin to devour me teeth.”
“…Noted.”
“I have also noticed several large shipments of specific medications, and a variety of individually packaged absorbent material – however injury records do not show sufficient numbers to justify these recurrent deliveries.”
“Ah, yeah, it’s not really an injury per say. As part of our natural reproductive cycle approximately half the population will shed the lining of one of their internal organs and expel it.”
“…that is the most horrifying thing that I have ever heard.”
“Yeah.”
“Does such a process not hurt?”
“That’l be what the medication’s for. Pain killers for the cramps, birth control to stop the process.”
“…and your reasoning behind the fully functional, high-tech entertainment system?”
“Okay, that we could probably do without. But in our defence that was actually insisted on as a standard feature of all fleet-ships expected to encounter Terrans. Admiral Plo’Kaght insisted on it. Something about bored humans and a an illegal betting ring featuring a cleaning robot with a knife strapped to it going up against a human with a mop?”
“…I believe I should speak with my superiors.”
I love how Stabby the Roomba has become such a consistent in-joke among these sorts of blogs.
Galactic hero stabby the roomba: his legend continues
theclumsiestninja 