imjustlo:

An outsider overhearing an argument between Tucker and Wash and when Wash walks away, they just go up to Tucker like “wow, you’re lucky to have a husband that cares so much for you” and Tucker doesn’t even correct them, just glares and asks “that looked fucking lucky to you?!”

Church asks why Tucker didn’t correct them and Wash is in earshot, so he comes over. Tucker just shrugs and is like “I’m kind of flattered. Like Wash is kind of the dad, so that would make me the mom. Which would be cool.” Wash is speechless but Grif is like “Why would that be cool?” and Tucker says “cuz you’d all have to fucking listen to me. otherwise, no one gets food”

But Tucker gets really into it and every time hell breaks loose, Tucker starts slamming his fist on tables and yelling things like “you kids are giving me a headache!” and “this was not how I raised you!” and “you dare defy your mother!?”

Wash asks him to stop for fuck’s sake but a lot of good that does

Tucker starts coming to Wash’s rescue when others argue with him like “kids, listen to your father” and slipping his arm into Wash’s every time Wash wants to make an announcement and saying “your father and I have been talking”

Grif starts to yell random things like “ARE YOU GETTING A DIVORCE OH GOD NO” and “I’M SIXTEEN, I’M A GROWN WOMAN”

Caboose starts calling Tucker mom

Tucker starts threatening Wash with no sex. “Captain Tucker, we don’t have sex” “BECAUSE YOU WON’T LISTEN TO ME” “No, really, like we have never had sex” “THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING” “You can’t threaten to stop what’s never even started” “YOU’LL MISS IT” “Oh my god”